


Masochism, Sex, and Alcohol by scarredsodeep

by scarredsodeep



Category: AFI
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, High School, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-19
Updated: 2006-07-19
Packaged: 2018-03-05 00:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 9,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3097481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarredsodeep/pseuds/scarredsodeep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were at a party. They may have been a little drunk. It was Jade's first time, and up-until-recently straight as an arrow Adam can't get the shy stranger out of his head. Awkward morning-after coversation, a trigonometry class, and that one fateful night are all that they share... or at least, that's the way it seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good, Um, Morning

Adam opened his eyes slowly, regretting every millimeter of sun they let in. There was something heavy that was pressing on his skull. He dimly registered that it was the sound of his own breathing.

What in god’s name had he done last night?

Next to him, the answer rolled over and yawned. It murmured some nonsense to itself, taking its time waking up.

Adam strained hard, sifting through bleary memories. He didn’t remember how much he’d had to drink, but apparently it had been enough. It would be prudent, he told himself sternly, if he could scrape up a name that he could apply to the body next to him. Michelle, maybe. Unless it was Jessie? Or Erin. That was also a possibility.

Adam sighed. He definitely had no idea. Shakily, he pushed himself up onto his elbows. How had he let this happen again? This was the fifth time in as many weekends that he’d woken up this way, in a house he didn’t recognize next to a girl whose name he couldn’t remember. Davey and Hunter had insisted on taking him out every weekend since Sarah had broken up with him, throwing him into the buzzing fray of parties that all blurred together into one giant headache so he didn’t have time to brood. Well, it was getting out of hand.

He looked over at the warm body next to him, admiring the smooth, pale back that the sheets didn’t quite cover. He ran a finger gently down her spine, snuggling in against her. He’d have to cover for not remembering her name by being sweet.

He kissed the back of her head, which was covered in short reddish hair. It was mussed in the back and curling slightly in the humid air of the foreign bedroom.

She stiffened at his touch, rolling out of the bed and hitting the floor with a very undignified thud. “Fuck,” Adam heard a surprisingly low voice curse. There was faint scrabbling and a moment later, unsteadily, she rose, blushing and now wearing—

 _Boxers_. Adam’s eyes flew to the face, which he suddenly realized belonged to a boy.

“Fuck,” Adam echoed the boy’s sentiment. His eyes were wide and sad, a sweet, deep brown. His face was round and innocent, almost childish, and his lips were ever-so-slightly swollen. Adam distinctly recognized horror rising in him, growing up almost as quickly as the nausea from his hangover had. Eyeliner was smeared under the boy’s eyes and he looked tired. Adam’s gaze next fell to the jutting ribs and the black letters inked across his stomach, spelling _committed_. He looked like he needed to eat. Another tattoo, a tribal band, hugged his bicep. And he was staring just as intently at Adam.

“Shit,” the boy exhaled. “I mean, hi. Good, um, good morning.” His brow creased and he added, “Are you all right?”

Adam breathed out, hard, and managed to croak, “Uh, yeah. I… wow, um, I’m really…”

The other boy groaned. “Please don’t say sorry,” he half-laughed. “Please don’t apologize.”

Adam chuckled weakly, privately feeling like he would rather do anything but laugh. _Did I sleep with him? Did I sleep with a guy? I’m not gay, though. I can’t be gay. I had sex with Sarah, for God’s sake. You can’t be gay if you’ve slept with a girl. Can you?_

Adam’s quiet panic was apparent to the other boy, and he shifted his weight awkwardly. “So, um, I’ve got to be at home, uh, before it gets too late. So I guess I’ll see you… around. Um.”

Suddenly Adam recognized the boy before him. Jade. His name was Jade, and he was in Adam’s trigonometry class. “Oh, _fuck_ ,” Adam moaned, closing his eyes and falling back onto the bed. Jade winced. “Did we…?”

Jade looked at the ground, pretending to be preoccupied gathering up his clothing. Personally, he thought it was pretty obvious what they’d done, regardless of whether or not Adam remembered it.

“That’s a yes, isn’t it?” Adam mumbled, opening his eyes cautiously, waiting for something else to jump out and bite him.

“Um, look, Adam, I… didn’t expect you to… last night you seemed pretty… well, like you wanted this. You’ve… never… with a guy, have you?” Jade awkwardly tiptoed around the question.

Miserably, Adam moaned, “I’m not gay. Why would I have fucked a guy when I’m not gay?”

Jade’s ears flushed bright red and he started to pull his clothes on haphazardly. _Welcome to the wonderful world of statistics_ , he thought bitterly. _You can now join the list of one night standees whose partners turned out to like the other gender after all._ “I’ll see you at school, Adam,” he muttered, not meeting Adam’s eyes.

“Jade, um, I’m sorry…” Adam tried, sitting up slowly.

“I said not to apologize!” Jade exploded, feeling tears begin to sting at the corner of his eyes. “I’m sorry if you think you’re straight, but that’s not what you told me last night and it certainly didn’t stand in the way of what we did, so—so—” Jade stopped, at a loss for what to say next.

Adam began to fill up with guilt. “Jade, I—” he tried.

“Just shut up!” Jade demanded. “Just stop talking!”

“I didn’t mean to… um… can we just forget about this?” Adam asked slowly, a pained look on his face.

“Consider it done!” Jade snapped, whirling away from Adam and storming out the door.

Adam didn’t move for a long time, soaking up the dizzying whirls of reality that were spinning around him, trying desperately to take it all in.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3750>  



	2. One Hell of a FirsT Time

“Jade? Can I talk to you for a minute?” a timid voice in Jade’s doorway asked. Jade paused in his furious pacing to glare murderously at Smith, who was all but cowering in the doorframe. Two years younger, Smith was a freshman who was rarely scared and never unsure of himself. To see him so uncertain was quite rare.

“Please, Jade,” Smith went on, almost begging. “Something bad happened.”

Glowering, Jade relented, “Fine. But shut the door behind you.”

When Smith had settled himself on Jade’s bed, he took a deep breath. “What’s wrong, Jade? What happened?”

“I should be the one asking you that,” Jade said warningly. “You said something bad happened.”

Smith nodded slowly. “Yes. Something did… to you. And I’m worried. We’re all worried, with the way you’ve been slamming around ever since you got home. Did—did you fight with Nick last night?”

“No,” Jade seethed, furious that his brother would trick him into being comforted.

“Well, what happened then?” Smith persisted. “You can’t pretend that nothing’s wrong.”

Jade sighed, resolve crumbling as he looked into his little brother’s earnest eyes. Sitting down on his bed heavily, he reluctantly set into his story. “Nick knows this kid Dave who knows this kid from Presswood North who was having a party.”

“Presswood? Seriously? Aren’t they really loaded up there?” Smith interrupted, clearly impressed.

Jade nodded vaguely. “The house had like five bedrooms.”

“One of which you woke up in,” Smith concluded knowingly.

Jade cocked his head at his little brother. “You’re either smarter or more perverted than I give you credit for,” he muttered.

“Probably both. So was it a girl, or have you finally come to terms with how flaming you are?”

“What do you mean, _so was it a girl_?” Jade asked indignantly, tactfully ignoring the latter part of Smith’s question.

“That you slept with. You know what I mean,” Smith snorted. “Don’t pretend like you’re innocent and rob a wholesome fifteen-year-old of the gritty details.”

Jade looked momentarily disgusted. “You’re incredibly vulgar,” he said prissily, only slightly serious. At fifteen, he would have been begging for the same thing.

“And you’re incredibly gay,” Smith shot back. “Come on, don’t I get any reward for caring about you? I fucking begged to be let in here.”

“When did you start swearing? Aren’t you a little young for that?” Jade mocked him, pretending to sound concerned. Inwardly, he was so warmed by affection for his brother that he’d almost entirely forgotten about the morning’s events, which had led to a considerable dent in the plaster next to his bed.

Smith playfully jacked Jade in the thigh as hard as he could.

“Fuck!” Jade gasped, curling forward over the vicious charlie horse. “It was this guy Adam,” he finally divulged over his labored breathing, “from my trig class.”

“So are you admitting that you’re gay or are you still gonna need a map, a flashlight, a compass and some heavy climbing gear to find your way out of the closet?” Smith teased, completely unruffled by Jade’s confession.

 _This_ , Jade thought, _is why all children should be killed before puberty._ He punched Smith’s knee, just as hard, and his brother exhaled sharply.

“You fucking pussy,” Smith gasped. “I didn’t even feel that!”

“I am _not_ that far in the closet, you asshole,” Jade insisted, wrestling his brother into a chokehold. “I’ve made my way up to the Christmas presents.”

Smith struggled violently, finally sinking his teeth into a healthy chunk of Jade’s forearm. His older brother shrieked and let him go, but Smith leapt at him, elbows and fists flying.

Half an hour later, when their mother came up to get them for dinner, she found them lying on the floor panting and laughing. Bruised, exhausted, and almost completely over what had happened, Jade was as content as he felt he could possibly be.

Smith offered a hand, helping his brother struggled to his feet. Still breathing hard, Smith asked, “So on a scale of one to ten, how was it?”

Jade shook his head and pushed his brother into the doorframe good-naturedly. “All I’ve got to say about it is, it was one hell of a first time.”

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3750>  



	3. A Goddamn Detail

“Who was the lucky lady? Or do you not remember her name?” Davey started in teasing immediately, forgoing even a hello.

Heat crawled up Adam’s face. “I remember,” he mumbled nervously, “but I’m not telling you.”

“See? He’s been saying that the whole way here!” Hunter exclaimed, climbing out of the passenger side of Adam’s car. Davey had been leaning against his own car, waiting for them. “He won’t give me a goddamn detail.”

“That’s because he doesn’t remember any,” Davey said matter-of-factly. “He’s trying to cover for it with some false impression of dignity.”

Adam’s blush constricted his throat, his words coming out strangled. “Fuck you,” he defended lamely. “I’ve got a new policy about kissing and telling.”

Hunter rolled his eyes at Davey. “The entire way to school, this is all he would say. He doesn’t love us anymore.”

Davey laughed. “Was the sex really that bad, that you won’t tell us about it?”

“Who said I even _had_ sex,” Adam mumbled, staring hard at his feet, knowing dissuading them would be impossible.

Davey and Hunter both laughed loudly at that. Hunter, fishing his backpack out of the backseat so they could begin their trek into the building, even had the audacity to snort.

Frustrated with their prodding, Adam flashed the only trump card he had. Pulling a devastatingly melancholy smile over his face, he said sadly, “It’s just… she reminded me a lot of Sarah, that’s all.”

Davey and Hunter both immediately looked horrified and apologetic. Turning to face Adam’s hangdog expression, Hunter adlibbed, “Adam, man, you should have just _said_ so. We wouldn’t have given you such a hard time…”

Davey rushed forward to sling an arm around Adam’s shoulder. “Don’t think about that bitch, Adam. She never even deserved you in the first place.”

Adam fought down his smug smile and kept his voice dreary. “I’m trying not to.”

His two friends exchanged guilty looks and Adam almost felt bad for deceiving him. He’d overplayed the breakup only because he wasn’t sure how much a straight guy would be devastated… and he had been genuinely upset. If he was single, it would be so much easier for something like the other night to happen. Having a girlfriend was not only a point of convincing others, but also himself, that he was totally and completely straight.

Adam was confident in his charade, though. It was convincing and he was good at looking pitiful and wounded. If he played at heartbroken hard enough, no one would find out the real truth…

All of this was easy enough to believe until trigonometry.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3750>  



	4. Trig. Onometry.

Jade only faltered for a moment in the doorway of his trigonometry classroom. It was going to be okay. He could do this.

 _If it’s really that bad, Adam won’t show up. If it’s really going to be that awkward, he won’t even come_ , Jade soothed himself. They were practically adults. They could be mature about this.

Feeling much more confident, Jade found himself a smile and walked into the classroom, letting his hips tug a bit from side to side.

His math-class-friend Davey immediately noticed. As soon as Jade sat down, Dave laughed, “Someone’s feeling sexy today.”

Jade giggled. He and Davey weren’t exactly close, but they were getting there. After two years of shared classes and the mutual friend Nick, a month or so ago they’d actually exchanged phone numbers and had hung out once or twice. He’d seen Dave at the party Friday, he remembered, suddenly feeling guilty. Why, he wasn’t sure. Maybe for the way he’d behaved in the morning. He fought off a wince and mustered a cocky air, responding haughtily, “There’s a difference between feeling sexy and being the pure embodiment of the word, love.”

“My mistake,” Davey laughed, hands in the air. “Didn’t mean to offend.” He paused, raised an eyebrow. “Really, Puget. You get laid or something?”

Jade’s smile faltered, but only for a split second. “It’s hard not to, when you look like this,” he said elusively, telling Davey with his mind to drop the line of questioning.

Unfortunately for Jade, Davey did. He turned instead towards the doorway of the classroom, where Adam, pale as death, stood frozen. “Avast! ‘Tis Captain Carson!” he called out, hoping to make up for his earlier insensitivity with gentler teasing.

Adam let a smile slip uncomfortably across his lips, but it was gone as quickly as it came. Walking as awkwardly as if he did indeed have a peg leg, he approached Davey’s desk almost painfully. “Ahoy,” he said weakly to Davey, eyes falling inevitably on Jade. He cleared his throat. “Hi, Jade.”

Jade was taken aback. He and Adam had never exchanged more than the arbitrary apologies that came from attempting to occupy the same space at the same time in the hallway before the Presswood party. And after that, Jade had certainly never expected Adam to so much as look at him. He was caught so off guard that he didn’t have time to think about his response and before he could help it, the words “Good morning, Adam,” had slid quietly out of his mouth.

Their reaction was identical and immediate. They both blushed and cast their eyes violently to the floor, bodies tightening. Adam mumbled something along the lines of ‘good your weekend had hope’ and Jade choked out a sentence about borrowing a protractor to do his English homework. They both ended with nervous laughter.

Davey’s eyes suspiciously flitted from friend to acquaintance, trying to fathom their awkward reaction to Jade’s perfectly friendly words.

“You two know each other?” he said slowly, carefully, eyes ruthless as a vulture picking through carrion. He would not tolerate such inexplicable behavior from steadfast, predictable Adam.

“We both know you,” Jade said hurriedly, still not looking at Adam and opting instead for the windowsill a few feet behind Davey.

Adam nodded vigorously. “And trig. Onometry. This class,” he contributed self-consciously.

Jade, meanwhile, had abandoned the windowsill and was now just staring at Adam. Adam was wearing a plain blue t-shirt and jeans, but all Jade could see was his smooth shoulder blades, glistening with sweat, the tight muscles of his back contracting, his flat stomach warm and soft, his erection brushing against Jade’s thigh… all he could feel was the cotton sheets beneath him, the sinking mattress, Adam pressing his way inside… cheeks burning, Jade snapped himself out of his reverie.

Davey looked relatively disgusted. “Jade. Why are you blushing?”

“Davey can I talk to Adam alone for a second?” Jade suddenly exploded in a high, awkward string of words he couldn’t believe he was saying.

Davey was stunned. He nodded silently and drifted away, still gaping at them. Adam had a similar look on his face.

“I, um, I don’t want this to be awkward, okay?” Jade said awkwardly, staring at his folded hands. “Can we just… forget about it all?”

 _I’m not sure if I want to_ , Adam thought before he could help himself. And suddenly his fingers were laid beneath the other boy’s chin and he gently lifted Jade’s head, meeting his eyes. The ice blue chilled Jade to his very core and Adam whispered sweetly, “I’m really sorry for the way I acted. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me that.”

Jade’s heart began to pound. There was a reason he’d slept with Adam in the first place, and it hadn’t been alcohol. It had been because he was kind, shy, and gorgeous. And after all that had happened, he apparently was still not immune to Adam’s charms. “I don’t know,” he said, trying to lighten the mood. “I may just have to kill you instead.”

Adam smiled, looking amused and shocked to find himself actually comfortable with the conversation. “And how would you do that?”

Jade pondered the question for a moment. He was almost… _enjoying_ this. It was… fun. Talking to Adam was somehow really, incredibly nice. “Ninja stars, definitely. You’d be walking along, unsuspecting, and then I’d be on you like wet granola.”

Adam laughed and Jade blushed, clearly pleased. “Ninja stars? Don’t be ridiculous. Pirates are invincible to ninja attacks. …And wet granola? What?”

Jade’s face broke out into a grin and both boys smiled stupidly at each for a moment. The bell interrupted their conversation and, still grinning, they took their respective seats.

 _That wasn’t so bad_ , thought Jade.

 _That was nice_ , thought Adam.

 _What the hell is going on with those two?_ , thought Davey. Then class began and none of them had any room left to think at all, all cognizant thought stamped out by tedious and extensive notes on logarithms.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3750>  



	5. The Fucking Pope

Adam knew he was smirking but just couldn’t help it. It was relief, it told himself, that had made him so happy. Relief that Jade didn’t hate his guts after the way he’d treated him. When his mind tried to reason that he shouldn’t care what Jade thought of him since they weren’t even friends, Adam quickly amended that he was relieved Jade hadn’t _told_ anyone. He refused to believe that his good mood was because of their conversation. That, he told himself firmly, just did not make sense.

There is a difference, he told himself, between being gay and being drunk.

“So Addy,” Davey chirped, falling into Adam’s step as he appeared next to his friend. It was the end of the day, but he had not forgotten Adam’s strange behavior. “What’s with you and my pal Jade?”

Adam’s good humor immediately began to dissolve. Tightening considerably, he answered defensively, “Is there a law against people having conversations these days?”

“I don’t know, you’re the one pushing charges over this one,” Davey said mildly, backing off and immediately growing huffy.

Adam felt bad the moment he saw a wounded look flash over his friend’s face. Dave didn’t have any idea what had happened, and besides, he was Adam’s oldest friend. He was just making conversation.

“I’m sorry, Dave,” Adam said more softly. “I’m just on edge from this weekend.”

This much was true, but Davey’s scowl didn’t lessen. “I’m so tired of the Sarah excuse. When are you going to start telling the truth again?” he accused gloomily.

Wild panic rose up in Adam. He couldn’t possibly know. Could he? And even if he did, it didn’t mean anything- surely if one night with a man made you gay, multiple nights with five different women made you straight again.

“I’m not _not_ telling the truth,” Adam replied crabbily, slightly flustered by his lack of brilliant defense. “I _am_ upset about Sarah. I just… this is a hard time in my life,” he finally pleaded.

“I know,” Davey said quietly. “And that’s when you need your friends the most. So stop pushing us away!”

“If you care about my feelings so fucking much, then you should stop shoving your little parades of beer and sluts down my throat! Maybe you should stop to consider that voluntarily impaired judgement and clumsy, meaningless sex won’t magically cure me! If you considered _my_ feelings for once, you’d know that this is killing me!” Adam spat out without thinking, not even realizing his bitter feelings till they left his mouth.

Davey didn’t falter, spewing back heatedly, “You think we take you out so you can drink yourself into retardation and then be too far up some girl’s skirt to come home with us? We started taking you to parties so you’d have fun with us again, maybe meet some girls and get a few phone numbers! We didn’t expect you to leave a trail of condoms and Heineken bottles in your wake every time you left your house! You need to pull yourself together, Adam, before you hurt yourself!”

Davey’s angry words never went further than Adam’s ears, his growing rage made sure of that.

“I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you, Dave! I’m sorry I’m not perfect and sober and celibate like you, but we’re not all the fucking Pope!”

Davey snarled, “We’re not all fucking Jade, either.”

And everything inside Adam turned to ice.

His friend immediately regretted his words. “Shit, Addy, I’m sorry. I didn’t—I didn’t mean to say that. I really shouldn’t’ve…”

“How did you find out?” Adam choked. “Did Jade-?”

“It wasn’t him,” Davey assured his friend quietly. “It wasn’t anyone. That night, I went to find you, to beg you to come home with me and Hunt… like always. But as soon as I saw that pink F-Minus shirt Jade’s always wearing… well, you still had clothes on, but it was clear you were with a guy, Ad. Anyone who knows Jade would’ve known it was him. …I didn’t want to say anything. I wasn’t going to, wasn’t even going to mention it unless you did first. I… don’t know what came over me. I just hate to watch you do this to yourself…” Davey trailed off, looking up at Adam helplessly. “I’m sorry,” he finished meekly, not meeting Adam’s icy eyes.

“I wouldn’t be so angry,” Adam grudgingly admitted, shock and disbelief still painted on his face, “if you weren’t so completely right.”

Davey looked pleased for a moment before he remembered that he was being remorseful. “I always knew,” Davey said, almost smug. “I always knew that dreamy, straight-as-can-be Adam liked cock.”

Adam turned bright red, the desired effect. “Davey!” he yelped quite shrilly. The mood had been mercifully lightened. “I am _not_ gay! And if you go around telling everyone that I _am_ …” Adam let his words hang, threat heavy in the air.

Davey giggled. “Oh Adam, you’re so _hot_ when you’re acting tough,” he mockingly swooned, taking off at top speed towards his car before Adam could exact revenge.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3750>  



	6. Just One Night

Adam had almost reached the haven of his car when he heard an all too familiar voice.

“Hey, Adam,” Sarah said softly. She was hovering a few yards away from his beat-up car, staring at her hands and as curvaceous and radiant as always in a light blue t-shirt and tight jeans.

“S-Sarah,” he stuttered, caught quite off guard. Today was nothing if not surprising. “Um.”

It had been over a month since they’d last spoken, feasibly long enough for them to be on friendly terms again. But her words were still fresh in his mind; she’s broken up with him like she was quitting a fast food job. ‘I’ve found better things, Adam; opportunities I can’t pass up. And I can’t move on with my life and stay with you, so I had to make a choice.’ Remnants of her speech echoed bitterly in his head.

“Adam,” she repeated, face flushing. She didn’t know what to say either, that much was apparent.

He took a deep breath and tried to summon some of his good mood, his confidence from earlier. Unbidden, an image of Jade swam into his mind, muffling memories of their breakup. Adam found himself grateful and, voice growing stronger, said, “I haven’t found any of your things, so if you’ve lost something it’s not with me.” It was a rough start, but he didn’t know what else to say, didn’t know what else she could possibly want from him.

Sarah laughed, brushing her dark brown hair out of her eyes and stepping closer. “Oh, Adam,” she said fondly, extending a hand towards him though they were still several footsteps away. Adam backed up, bumping into his car. Sarah dropped her arm, smile dimming. “It’s not about my things, although I do think you have a CD or two of mine,” she went on lightly, apparently unaware that the acid in Adam’s stomach, aggravated by its sudden churning, had eaten through the lining and was now at work on his intestines.

Adam tried to back up further and was alarmed when he only managed to rock the old, dented Mustang, sending a few flakes of paint and rust into the air. “Then what?” he demanded, throat suddenly tight. Not now. She couldn’t do this to him. Not _now_. “What do you need?”

Sarah shook her head, blue eyes shining. “You certainly aren’t making this easy,” she said, laughing grimly. Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself and finally relented, “Adam, I miss you.”

“Why is the world so determined to make my life hell?” Adam whispered to himself, closing his eyes and tipping his head back. Steadying himself, he whipped his head and thoughts back down to earth and made devastatingly harsh eye contact with the slender girl in front of him. “What is that supposed to mean, Sarah?” he asked, voice even and cool. He was surprised at how steady he was, not shaking or wavering in the least. For the first time in his life, he felt like he knew what he wanted. He knew what he wanted the end result to be, and he was determined to find his way there.

She wasn’t going to hurt him. Not anymore.

She looked taken aback, but only for a second. Then she stepped forward again, almost feline in her grace, and Adam began to feel sick. “I made a mistake, Adam,” she practically purred. He could see in her eyes that she was on the prowl. The nice word for Sarah was ‘flighty’. The applicable word was ‘whore’. Adam was no longer able to make any distinction. He’d be lucky to get a girl like her in the first place, and the only reason she wanted him back was because he’d steadily earned a reputation as the school’s newest Casanova. He wasn’t as naïve as he’d been the first time she hunted him; this time, she wouldn’t get what she wanted. Which was going to be, for her, a huge fucking first.

“You’re making one right now,” he shot back, just as smoothly.

“Are you trying to say that you don’t want me, Carson?” Sarah scoffed, disbelieving. It was too hard for her to comprehend that anyone would turn her down.

Adam almost laughed. “Yeah,” he said honestly. “Pretty much.”

“Like you’ve had better!” Sarah smirked, batting her eyelashes. “C’mon, Adam, I’m asking you to take me back. You can’t tell me that you haven’t missed me, I know for a fact that every time you’ve been with another girl it’s been me you pictured.”

“Although I admire your confidence, you’re wrong,” Adam said simply, feeling free. Yes, it was someone else he’d been picturing. But it certainly wasn’t her.

That only served to piss her off. Sarah Delaney was not turned down, and certainly not in such a manner. “Then who?” she snarled. “Who has your pathetic little heart been beating for?” Suddenly seizing upon a convenient way to save her reputation, she accused, “It’s a guy, isn’t it? Some sick little gay ass, that’s why you’re holding out on me. I left you and you gave up on my entire _gender_ , didn’t you?”

Adam was suddenly dizzy with nausea. It didn’t occur to him then that every girl would sooner be turned down because of their gender than because of personal shortcoming; it didn’t occur to him that Sarah had no possible way of knowing what had happened between him and Jade.

“Where did you hear that?” he choked. “That’s not true, that’s not true at all. It was just one night. One night is all. I’m not _gay_ , I’m not fucking GAY!” By the end his panicked stutter had turned into a yelp, and Sarah’s eyes were the size of the moon.

“What? One night?” she repeated in skepticism. “You didn’t- you didn’t sleep with a guy, did you?”

“NO!” Adam bellowed, flinging his car door open and stabbing the key into ignition. “I’M NOT GAY!” Tears running down his face, he squealed out of his parking space, not even bothering to close his door till he was two long, black tire marks across the lot, not daring to look back at Sarah’s pretty, if disbelieving, face.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

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	7. You Brought Dave

Jade was thinking about Adam. This was all he’d done since that fateful night. After trigonometry, though, something in those thoughts had changed. They now bore a gleaming, impossible quality. There was something fantastic about his thoughts now, something surreal. Something very obviously sex-derived, and something that made Jade’s face decidedly hotter.

“You can’t be friends with someone you’ve seen naked first, if that’s what you’re getting at,” he said aloud, interrupting his R-rated thoughts of Adam’s hard, sweating shoulder blades and slick thighs. “After sex, there is absolutely no chance of forming a friendship.”

“You’re talking to yourself,” Smith commented, sticking hid head in the doorway. “Don’t you have any _friends_?”

“For your information, Nick is coming over in half an hour,” Jade defended himself.

“But you were talking to yourself,” Smith pressed. “Were you not?”

Jade stuck his tongue out at his little brother. “I’m mulling some things over,” he informed Smith.

“Have you reached any conclusions?” Smith asked, smiling wryly.

“A few, actually. One is that YOU’VE been eating my yogurt, not Gibson as you previously led me to suspect,” Jade accused, glaring at the plastic Tofutti container in his brother’s hand. “Another is that I need to start locking my door. And finally, I might in fact be furiously attracted to men.”

“And here I went, thinking you were just a raving coke fiend,” Smith said sarcastically, licking some yogurt off his finger.

Jade bristled. “I keep telling you, I’m not that obvious. I’m just taking my time at admitting it.”  
Smith rolled his eyes. “So are you going to marry the party guy?”

Jade threw his pillow, hard, towards the door, where it completely failed to hit Smith. “I haven’t even come out yet, you freak! Besides, Adam is perfectly straight.”

“Right. That’s why he slept with you,” Smith agreed.

“Get out!” Jade ordered, infuriated but trying hard not to laugh.

“I’m not _in_ ,” protested Smith, defiantly indicating the carpet line at Jade’s doorway, which he was safely on the other side of, but drifting away from Jade’s room and towards his own nonetheless.

Jade sighed and laid back down. Fantasizing about his one fling with a straight but gorgeous man was a full-time job, but his family certainly wasn’t going to make it an easier. He sat up, pulling his guitar onto his lap. Maybe it could distract him, if nothing else.

He was still sitting on his bed, plucking at the strings and clearly agitated, when Nick and Davey walked in.

Jade looked up from his haphazard tuning in surprise. “Nick,” he said guardedly, keeping his tone friendly. “You brought Dave.”

“Didn’t think you’d mind,” said Nick, shrugging. “You’re always saying you don’t get to hang out with him enough.

Jade wasn’t brought out of his partial mope so easily. He’d wanted to tell Nick about what had happened, but he certainly wasn’t about to do that with Davey around.

“So where’d you disappear to at that party?” Nick asked conversationally, settling into Jade’s pillows easily. He seemed to have read Jade’s mind as to exactly what he didn’t want to talk about. Davey, meanwhile, was hovering nervously in the doorway.

Jade flushed bright pink. “Oh, um, nothing much,” he adlibbed lamely.

Davey, apparently sensing his discomfort, came to the rescue. “That party was pretty lame,” he interrupted coolly. “What did you think of that English test?”

Relieved, Jade silently thanked Davey and proceeded to chatter about school happily for the next hour or so, Davey steering Nick’s questions away from anything party-related. He knew Jade probably wasn’t too eager to confess, but he had some subtle questions of his own that would only be answered if Jade was relaxed. Eventually, Nick gained the upper hand and asked bluntly, “So did you finally lose your virginity up in Presswood?”

The color Jade turned was a very plain ‘yes’, and that was all Nick needed. “You glad?” was his only other question. He had a better comprehension of how fragile Jade was than Davey had thought.

Jade blushed deeper and said sweetly, “I think so. I just don’t know if I’ll ever get to know the person after a thing like that… I’d hate to not be friends with them. I think I really like them…”

“Suspicious lack of pronouns,” Davey noted cheerfully.

Jade turned pale and Nick glared at him viciously. “You just don’t want to give us her name, I bet,” he added, hoping to cover for his mistake. He’d forgotten that he couldn’t joke around as freely as he could with Hunter and Adam. A little bit of color returned to Jade’s cheeks and Nick’s scowl lessened.

“Don’t worry, _I’m_ still a virgin,” said Davey amiably. “None of the boys here are cute enough for me.”

From Davey’s tone, it was impossible to tell if the boy was joking or not. Nick and Jade exchanged a glance and Davey burst out laughing. “Well if you two aren’t just the biggest homophobes in the world,” he giggled.

“Are you really? Gay, I mean?” Nick asked carefully.

Davey laughed. “Oh, please. I wouldn’t be interested in you even if I were, I can tell you that much.”

And then they were laughing and joking again, and Jade marveled at the ease with which Davey skirted sexuality, considering for the nth time coming to terms with the fact that he was, in fact, gay.

  
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	8. Protection

It was Monday night and he was seventeen years old.

It was far too early to start drinking.

This wasn’t on Adam’s mind when he walked into the dimly lit bar, though. Adam was thinking only of getting drunk and getting laid. That would make him straight. Sleeping with a girl, an older girl, would prove to everyone that he was straight.

Because he was.

Two hours later, he was pushed up against the gritty bathroom wall and the girl plastered to him was stroking him through his jeans. She was probably nearly thirty, not nearly as pretty in this fluorescent light as she’d been in the haze of secondhand smoke back in their booth. Her tube top was too tight, her breasts creased from too much sun, and her makeup was thick and shakily done. Adam knew without reaching up her tight leather skirt that she was wearing a thong. You could tell, just by looking at her, what she’d look like naked. Too tan, too tired, too eager.

To avoid thinking about how much he pitied her, Adam bit her neck, hard, and pulled up her shirt.

“Do you have protection?” she asked, fumbling with his belt. Her honey-sweet voice was suddenly fake and sickening and Adam could feel his arousal lessening. The thought of sleeping with her was unsettlingly repulsive and he realized the whole time he’d been kissing her, he’d been thinking about Jade.

 _Since when did breasts become a turn-off?_ he thought disgustedly, pushing the woman off him and peeling himself off the clammy wall. The only sex he cared about, he’d already had.

He realized that with a sudden pulse of self-hatred and grabbed the girl again, kissing her harshly on the mouth, bunching her shirt down around her waist and forcing her bra off. He’d just begun to reach under her skirt when she finally succeeded in pushing away from him. He was already stronger than he looked, and he realized that at this point she was probably doubting her choice of partner even more than he was.

Flipping her fried curls back, she repeated sulkily, fake tone dropped, “I _asked_ if you had any protection.”

Bile rose in Adam’s throat and he spun away from her, barely making it into a stall before the entire contents of his stomach emptied itself through his mouth.

The woman wrinkled her nose in disgust. “I hope you don’t expect me to sleep with you after that,” she called disdainfully. “If you don’t know your limit, you shouldn’t drink. You could damage your liver.”

Adam was surprised by the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “Fuck,” he mumbled, voice low. “Fuck. Listen… can you tell me your name? I think I should know your name. And… how old are you? I don’t want to forget… what I almost did. How low I let myself sink, all for some stupid lie. I was so worried about what people thought of me that I decided I’d get hepatitis in a public bathroom after lying about my age so I could drink enough to forget the whole thing… to protect some kind of image. To make me look like a better person.” He started disgustingly into a toilet bowl of his own puke. “That’s… God. I can’t ever forget that. That I did this.”

The woman quirked a brow indignantly, slurs and giggles forgotten.

“Listen, I don’t know who you think you are, but talking to a girl like that is a real good way _not_ to get her phone number,” she informed Adam haughtily. “In fact, that’s a real good way to get jacked in the face.”

Adam staggered out of his stall, mouth coated thick with vomit. “I can’t sleep with you,” he said simply, like it was the most self-evident truth in the world, even if he still look sick and wretchedly pale. “I don’t even _want_ to sleep with you.”

“Well, it’s mutual,” she replied nastily, clothed again and looking at him with complete and bitter hatred.

“I—I think I’m gay,” Adam sputtered as means of explanation and, looking stricken, spun back into his stall to puke.

“Elizabeth,” she called after him, still sounding annoyed but now with an almost sympathetic edge. “My name’s Elizabeth.”

Adam threw up.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3750>  



	9. Anything

The alarm clock screamed and Adam moaned deep in his throat, memories of the night flooding back instantly, a sure sign that he hadn’t had enough to drink.

He stumbled into the bathroom, squinting disgustedly at his red, swollen eyes and ruddy color. He was overwhelmed with fierce hatred for the stupid things he’d done the last few months, the despicable creature he’d let himself become all in the name of denying his true self.

Gay. What was so wrong with that? Why had it repulsed him so much?

Well, he was disgusted now for an entirely different reason. Adam let out an angry little scream, loath to spend another moment in his stained skin.

 _I deserve so much pain_ , he thought venomously, hating himself for what he’d done. _And I’d do anything to feel it,_ he abruptly resolved, eyes falling to his razor, glinting at the edge of the sink.

Anything.

The word echoed in his head, both tantalizing and dangerous, suddenly a challenge and a promise.

Anything.

He could atone, couldn’t he? Cleanse himself. He could repent and make himself a better person, make up for the way he’d treated those girls. Worse… how he’d treated Jade.

Anything.

The word became sharp, a ragged edge.

_Yes._

His limbs became heavy, and Adam felt like he was dreaming. He lifted the razor slowly, deliberately, and pressed it to his skin. It wasn’t cold the way he’d expected, and it slid down his arm easily, no resistance and only a slight sting. The pain came with the blood, smudging nervously at first.

Dazedly, Adam laid a finger to the drops. This opened the floodgates, and blood came gushing out of the wound.

A faint smile touched Adam’s lips.

Yes; he would do anything.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

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	10. Nothing But Supportive

“Adam,” Jade said aloud, testing the word. Trying it on. Adam was the reason, he thought to himself. Adam was why.

“Did you say something, Jade?” his mother asked, not looking up from the shirt she was attempting to iron. Gibson had a piano recital that evening. He was supposed to wear this, a white button-down shirt and a black tie, and their mother had been grumbling about it ever since she’d seen the forty-dollar price tag on the nine-year-old’s new shirt.

Jade took a deep breath. “Yes,” he said, barely keeping his voice from shuddering. “Yes.”

“I didn’t catch it, dear,” she said distractedly, brow furrowing as she coaxed flat a stubborn wrinkle.

“Well,” Jade said tentatively, and then spat it out before he could lose his nerve, “Well. I’m gay.”

His mother promptly ironed her finger. “Shit!” she yelped, dropping the iron and running for the sink.

Jade’s insides turned to stone. Almost mechanically, he lifted the iron from Gibson’s skirt, where she’d dropped it. One of the buttons had melted. Jade propped the iron up, turning it off, and followed his mother into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry to run out like that,” she whimpered, holding her swelling finger under a stream of cold water.

Jade hopped up onto the counter and sighed. “I’ll admit that wasn’t the reaction I’d been hoping for.”

“It just surprised me,” she tried to explain. “I- you know I’m nothing but supportive,” she went on, wincing at her awkward, feeling-devoid words, “of all your life decisions. I just- well, aren’t there any nice girls at your high school?”

Jade slid down from his perch as his mother dried her hands. “There are plenty,” hem uttered, exasperated and quickly gaining volume. “This isn’t a ‘plan B’ thing, mom. This is a ‘hey, I’ve been lying to myself about my feelings my whole life, maybe I’ll be less miserable if I stop hiding’ thing. This is a ‘it’s getting kind of cramped in this closet I’ve been trapped in my whole life’ thing. This is a ‘maybe it’ll be easier to breathe in the real world thing’. This is a ‘THIS IS WHO I AM, MOM, AND ALL I’M ASKING IS THAT YOU LOVE ME AND ONCE, JUST ONCE, LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN I TALK TO YOU AND MAYBE LISTEN TO WHAT I’M SAYING AND IF IT’S NOT TOO DIFFICULT CARE ABOUT IT’ THING!”

Jade was surprised to find himself yelling and out of breath. He didn’t often raise his voice with his mother; she did not regard volume any more than she regarded content.

His mother stood, staring at him and unsure of what to say next. He uncertainly stood facing her, words still heavy in the air, and finally surrendered, “Um, and Gibson’s shirt melted. That’s it.”

While his mother dashed off to yell and swear at the melted button, Jade slunk upstairs towards his room.

He’d hoped that this particular conversation with his mother would have gone differently than every other conversation they’d ever had.

He wasn’t surprised that it had been no different.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

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	11. Any Excuse

Adam slipped into unconsciousness and when he woke again it was to nothing. He felt _nothing_. No guilt, no dread, nothing resonating deep in him. He simply _was_.

“I’m awake,” he said quietly, tonelessly, and found that that was the only statement about his mood and condition he could make. He felt that perhaps he should be relieved by this, or that maybe he should be worried by the numbness. Able to be neither, he settled for shutting off his alarm clock and sinking back into bed.

Within fifteen minutes, his mother was pounding on his door. “You’re going to be late!” she informed him. “You slept through your alarm again!”

Adam thought about school. He didn’t care, he decided, if he were there or at home. His mother seemed to, though, so he eased himself out of bed. His shower was brief because he found the urgency of the water unnerving, and he dressed quickly, scarcely noticing the clothes he chose.

“You don’t even have time for breakfast,” his mother said crossly, frustrated by his slow, apathetic pace.

Adam merely shrugged. He wasn’t hungry. Or at least, he didn’t think he was. Either way, he didn’t care. What did something like breakfast matter? He was beyond that, he suddenly realized. He didn’t understand that cold, arrogant thought, and for the first time that day he felt something. It was fear.

He sat numbly in his classes, only grunting in response to anything that interacted with him. Davey was obnoxiously concerned for his welfare, picking at his friend like a scab, and Adam was already prickling with annoyance when he dropped into his trigonometry seat like a stone.

“Adam, what happened?” Davey continued to pester. Some part of Adam knew that Davey was only speaking out of concern and that he had every right to be worried, but that part of Adam was far from in control right now.

“Nothing _happened_ , Davey,” Adam repeated, suddenly exhausted. He just wanted to go to _sleep_.

And then he remembered why he had torn his heart open and watched it shrivel and bleed till he couldn’t feel anything anymore. A subtle glow entered his peripheral vision, hovering and buzzing at his side. He shifted his eyes to it and it smiled nervously. Adam quieted its unease with a soft smile of his own.

“Good morning, Adam,” Jade said sunnily. He was gay, and that meant he was finally free to be happy any way he wanted. On top of that, Adam Carson had just smiled at him, all calm and warmth.

Jade’s shy words jarred something loose in Adam. Sarah’s cruelty, Elizabeth last night, what had followed- all of that was because of Jade. Instead of resenting Jade, Adam felt strangely proud. This was the extent of his sacrifice. This was what he would do to make up for ever hurting Jade.

“I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner tonight,” Adam said suddenly, somehow not surprised at the unplanned words that burst from his lips. Why shouldn’t he take Jade out, treat him well? Show everyone. It was penance. Jade deserved this, after the way he’d been treated.

And besides. There was something spreading through Adam, a glow as soft as Jade.

It wasn’t just that he was honor-bound to. It was that he _wanted_ to.

The look on Jade’s face lit up every cell of Adam’s body and for one perfect moment, the numbness was gone.

“Really?” Jade exhaled, feeling very much like he was no longer on the ground. “You—you really want me to go to dinner with you?”

Adam laughed. Jade was blushing and stumbling over his words. “Of course I do. I wish I hadn’t treated you the way I did, Jade, and if you’ll allow it, I’d like to start making it up to you.”

“I won’t be bought off, Carson,” Jade warned, looking absolutely delighted. “At least not by a mere dinner. You’ll have to work a lot harder than that.”

Adam’s lips twitched, his smile fond as he swelled with affection for the slim boy. “Any excuse to spend more time with you, Jade,” Adam said sincerely. “What time should I pick you up?”

  
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	12. Different

Jade could not stop smiling.

“It’s very difficult,” Adam teased, leaning over the battered gearshift of his excuse of a Mustang, “to kiss you goodnight when you’re grinning like that.”

This statement only made Jade smile wider. “What makes you think I want you to kiss me goodnight? Hell, what makes you think I’ll even _let_ you?”

“Don’t you kiss on the first date?” Adam asked mock-innocently, tone still sweet. “Or do you just-”

“Watch it,” Jade said crossly, swatting Adam’s arm. “That was _hardly_ a date. You could barely stand, you were so drunk- and anyway. For all you know, I’m a changed man. Maybe I’ve cast down my heathen ways!”  
Adam raised his eyebrows.

“I am a changed man! I am!” Jade insisted. “I’m very different from the last time we- um- dated.”

Adam’s face did not change. “I guess we are in a car this time,” he mused, deadpan. His eyes glittered with his restrained smile.

“I came out,” Jade finally said, exasperated but stumbling upon a reason. “I told my mom I was gay. See? Change.”

Adam finally laughed. “You can’t expect me to believe that Jade Puget was _ever_ in the closet.”

“Believe it or not, I was not actually born with a pink triangle tattooed on my chest,” Jade said, slightly irritated.

“Oh, you got that done later in life? I see,” Adam laughed.

“Ha. Ha,” Jade said dryly, barely keeping the smile from his lips. “No, I’m serious. I just told her yesterday. She was so surprised that she completely ignored me like always.”

Adam seized his opportunity, catching Jade’s chin in his hand and bringing their mouths together for one sweet, split second.

After- and what a warm, perfect word that was- Jade caught Adam’s hand, laying his lips to each fingertip in turn. “Thank you for a wonderful evening,” he murmured softly, grinning boyishly. Happiness, pure and whole, was spreading itself inside him. He’d never felt so alive, never felt so free, until this moment.

“You’re beautiful,” Adam said absent-mindedly, enjoying Jade’s touch, “when you smile.”

Jade laughed without inhibition, loud and clear. Adam gazed at him with utmost admiration. Nothing so wonderful had ever happened before in his life. “Well, I’m smiling because of you,” was almost out of Jade’s mouth when suddenly said smile froze, his fingers falling upon a raised ridge of scab circling Adam’s wrist like a terrible bracelet.

“Adam, what happened?” he asked, deathly pale and even more serious. There was something hard and cold rising in his tone.

Adam struggled to pull free from Jade’s grip, eyes widening in horror. “Nothing. Nothing,” he lied quickly. “I had an accident is all.” His face was a mask of dread. It seemed inevitable, now, that everything would fall apart.

Jade tightened his grip. He was a guitarist, after all; he had strong fingers, calluses digging hard against the scabbed line. “What kind of accident?”

Adam finally tore his arm free, anger and guilt and pain spread across his face in a frightening scowl. “I’m fine.” He cradled the arm in his lap, subconsciously hunching over it protectively. “Goodnight, Jade.”

His mind, slowly shutting down, was racing with fragments of questions that weren’t fair. Why did Jade have to pry? Hadn’t he already done enough, given up plenty? Why couldn’t Jade just appreciate his sacrifice, just leave him alone?

“What kind of accident?” Jade repeated, voice pleading. “Please, Adam, I just—I just want to hear you say that you’re all right.”

“You don’t- that’s all?” Adam asked, surprised. Some of the weight in his stomach seemed to lift. Hope. Maybe there was hope for him after all.

“Yes, Adam,” Jade said softly, eyes wet. “I—I imagine we’ve both done stupid things. Plenty of them. And… well, for me at least, you were one of them. But maybe—maybe everything we do, maybe it’s for a reason. I hope to God you don’t ask me about the things I’ve done because it would make my heart heavy to tell you. But… I would, Adam. I would tell you anything. I want…” he took a deep, shuddering breath. This was hard. There were some things that he never wanted to admit to anyone, especially not someone so perfect as Adam. Although- and his fingers remembered the rough touch of Adam’s scabs- maybe he wasn’t as perfect as he’d seemed. “I want to be different. Not just because of you, but _for_ you. With you. I want… to be honest. I want you to trust me. I… I’ll answer any question you ask me. I will. I just… I don’t want to worry about the past, Adam. About what we’ve done, what’s already happened. I just want to think about now, and tomorrow, and if we’re feeling really ambitious, the day after. …So I won’t ask what happened. I just want to hear that you’re okay.”

“Really?” Adam asked, voice wavering. He suddenly felt the horrible burning need to produce tears that would match Jade’s. No one could be that good. No one could be that giving.

“All I want is now, Adam,” Jade whispered, eyes wide and wet and unbearably honest. “All I want is you.”

And suddenly Adam’s arms were tight around Jade, his voice rough as his stubble against Jade’s ears. “You’ll get a hell of a lot more than now, Jade; and you deserve a hell of a lot more than me. …I’m all right, I think. Now I am, anyway. Now that I… now that I have you. I made a mistake, maybe, but I don’t regret it. I’ll always be proud of that scar because it changed my life. It… it gave me you.” Now he was crying, but in a proud, discreet way, just a few lines of wet down his cheeks.

And as they sat there, Jade’s tears soaking Adam’s shoulder and Adam’s arms unwavering around him, Jade realized that Adam wasn’t perfect. No, not perfect; he was much better than that.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

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